Time To Dissolve

I've been wanting to blog for the past few days but got caught up either around company or at work. To my delight, I am back at CVS. Quite happy of it. They were glad to see me too and the money will help to get the ball rolling. I have been lost again. Displaced. Don't know where this emotion comes from all of a sudden. I feel bored, lethargic. My stomach has been giving me some trouble. I'm still trying to avoid fast food but it feels as though my stomach gets bigger by the day. Part of me wants to go there, we know where. But then I have to remind myself at how idiotic I've felt the past few times when all my tests were negative and I just felt like the shit bag of the planet. It makes me not want to have sex without a condom on. I've been feeling weird jerky movements, spazy and also I just don't want food sometimes. Worms maybe? Bah. Well. I was off for a few days and then I said I'd finish those crochet items and list them but 1. There is no money 2. Today is Bobby's birthday 3. We did absolutely nothing 4. I gotta shower and go to bed, I have work in the morning. I feel like I wasted an entire day crocheting crap and I could've done something with my day. So, in effect tomorrow and through the weekend, I'm putting up the yarn and I'm going to start reading some of my ebooks or novels on the shelf. I've been meaning to catch up on Sagan, Dawkins, Hitchens and Hawking. Heck, maybe I'll even read the drivers manual. Which reminds me by the way. I said I was going to try to save up money since I'm working again and start saving up for a car. There is a lot of shit I want to buy but I'm not going to go crazy. I must have self-control. I need a car. I need to see a doctor. I need to pay my school loans and we need curtains for our house a PS3. Remind me tomorrow that things get better. Play some Mondo Cane when you get home. Take a bath and just relax.

Next, next Thursday I'll be a few hundred richer. Sounds good to me.

I want to go back to the more innocent times. The times where I didn't have to worry about where I'd end up in a few years. The times where worrying about relationships was more about finding true love and less about keeping it true. I fucking hate being awake this late. I should be in bed, but I hate that room. It is so dark, and so  cold. It brings me nothing but ugly shit to think about. I woke up earlier because I had a dream a man walked into our bedroom with a bat waiting to bash our heads in while we slept. I know how things get me paranoid but in times where I'm extremely paranoid and stressed over relationship problems, I try and turn to friends and either they don't have the time or they don't know what to tell me. It doesn't matter whether we have friends. All one really cares about is having someone listen to them. The moment I try to do the talking, it's a very complicated matter. I'm extremely upset. Frantic over stupid little things. Making a big deal out of small insignificant things. I am indeed overreacting. It was confirmed. I am a confused 28 year old body rotting from within like a promising fruit carrying a worm inside. I just want my place in the world. If I can't have it, I will fucking leave!!! Everytime I play a great song, all I want is to be held. I don't want riches, I don't want nice things... I just want someone to love me equally.

My Little Menu

Lately, my waist is expanding, my tits seem to be larger...and hang full and heavy and I need to tone up my arms and well, really every part of my body. It seems so silly to jump back onto the health bandwagon but I should try and try to not fail. I have the time, just not the effort. So, instead of constantly taking things away from myself, I've done a bit of reverse psychology on my ass and instead devised a plan on things I like to eat (modified to be healthy) and put them on a menu labeled Things I CAN Eat. Pretty clever. Looks like it'll be fun choosing something to make. No strict, hard-core restrictions. Just foods I can tolerate that are as natural and raw as they come. Tomorrow I will print out the exercise schedule and I thought today that perhaps the reason I don't workout is I'm very lazy. What I needed to do all along was limit the things I enjoy until after my exercise is done. Once I conquer the first two weeks, routine will take it's course. Good luck to myself. After all, the only one with anything to gain or lose from this is yourself. No more complaints. Also, no eating after 7pm. Drink plenty water. Cut your smoking. One to two beers max on social events. Not too bad.

Ass, Not Class

I was looking up all my phone pics to post on facebook in their own album. Then I ran into these great photos I took of my ass when we were staying at my mom's house. Geez, Louise. I remember getting so pissed that moment because I couldn't find the perfect angle to take and I thought it would be pointless because Bobby would see it and be like "cool babe." or something to that nature and I'd be pissed because I tried so hard. Looking back though... and I literally mean "back".... I have a nice sweet little ass. I really ought to try to work out to get it in shape again. I could say that maybe it's to hold on to my youth, but I still look pretty young for my age anyways. I guess I just want to be proud of my proudest, protruding feature. I may have small or average tits but my backside always steals the show. I think I should be quite proud. I should frame my ass and look at it daily and cross my arms and ponder on how comfortable it's made me feel in life. Sitting all those times. Well, here's to a less thoughtful blog post:

Heart of Gold

Bobby is a mysterious man. He can be quite stern but when it comes to helping people when they are in need, Bobby has a huge heart. Earlier today he came stumbling into the room nervous and all I can think of was "Hopefully he didn't kill someone..." because it seemed that was the face he was wearing. He was pretty frightened and it was because he was trying to help a drunk hispanic woman off the bayou bridge by our house. He said that she seemed to almost fall into traffic and how we was trying to help her but couldn't understand her. She started freaking out when he told her he'd called the cops to see if she was okay. Along came a black man and was asking the lady questions and asked to give her a ride. She had agreed to it. Bobby wrote the guys plates down and told the police. I know there comes a time where one cannot feel responsible about the outcome of things like that. I'm just glad that he showed interest in helping the woman. I know that deep inside he may have felt that he could've done something different but we all need to remind ourselves that things are out of our hands. The most we can do it atleast attempt to help. I feel this great surge of admiration for my love. I feel sad to seem him worry but in my heart, I feel good that he did what he did. He's my hero and I can't stop thinking about how insanely lucky I am to have a good person like that in my life. My man. :) *sigh* He's my man. :) My man. :)

Idiot

I go back and read what I posted and I can't even place myself in that same mode of thinking. How is that possible? To describe exactly what you feel when you are torn about something, desperate, angry and hopeless and then after the storm has passed... it seems that you can't even relate to your old self. That's some schitzo shit right there! It doesn't surprise me though. I know I have a ticking time bomb in me but it just kinda fades after I feed it loads of sunshine, smiles and hugs. I am slipping again as usual and I have to remind myself that it's okay to lose track as long as you're always willing to get back on it. This goes for anything... what I am talking about right now is my diet. I could though, maybe say it was about my relationship but I think my babe's right when he says that maybe there are a certain number of times you can get off the track until you are no longer allowed back on. Well, okay... the diet. I need to change it. Finally though, I got myself calmed down with the whole midlife crisis shit and told myself I have to start acting like a 28-29 year old adult. One that works and has a car and doesn't worry about crocheting and stupid irrelevant shit. So, get back on the wagon you dumb dope!

Also, Celina called me yesterday to tell me she's having a boy. Fuck. I know she means good but it seems someone's good news will always remind me of how much I hate myself. I also have to remind myself that right now is not a good time to think about children with me still acting like a child and all. God bless you, Sagan bless you, Quantum bless you, all you little people of the world. I am just beginning to appreciate the art of letting things be and just trying to get by on whatever I can.

Fuck Love

I can't believe I've gone so far as to think that life seems pointless. I've hurt Bobby and I feel that maybe I should spare him the grief and just pack and go. Leave for good. At least then I could say that I wouldn't have to corner him and accuse him of betraying me. I will never trust him I guess. It's a never-ending battle ending with us always getting in arguments. I could care less where I end up. I could lay in a gutter for all that I give a shit but I don't think I've ever been comfortable constantly hurting someone. If I walk now, I walk into that same dark path Ive walked before. I'm not afraid. I just know what's coming. I don't want to be rescued, I don't want to be talked to. I just want to cease to live a normal life. I'm young but what does it matter anyways. You don't have to  technically be dead to be dead. And that's about all I have to say. I cut ties with whatever friends I have in order to fix things. I don't want to give a shit about anyone. I don't want to feel the need to put anyone before me. Bobby, I love you and fuck if I didn't really try to put my whole life into this and I still feel like my place is nowhere. I'm just renting this place. Dreaming is pretty much all I've been doing and it's maybe time to wake up and realize that nobody will ever take me for the bag of shit I am. Hang on to whatever little pride you have left and try to no muck everyone's lives up. Move away. Just give up. Why did I ever think that moving from Houston was going to be better? It's all the same shit anyways. Just fucking fuck off and die. Finally do something worthy of accomplishing.

Cat Came Back

Flucky came back after almost two months of being gone. Poor thing. He meowed outside the door and let Bobby get close to him and afterwards we gave him some food and he warmed up to us. We sat out with him for a while and came inside and left the door open and he walked in and sniffed around. We decided to let him stay in. But I put the Advantage medicine on both the cats. When I was outside with him, he layed on my lap and I felt so bad holding his little skinny body on me. I felt like I'd done this to him. If I hadn't decided to make him an outside cat, he'd still be inside all chubs. But it's good that he's back. Makes me feel like I can take care of him better now. :) Gives me a reason to keep going. In a really cheesy way, he kinda took me out of this whole pre-midlife-crisis funk. Now I feel I have the surge I need to get moving and finally get some money rolling in so I can take care of him. Cat's... you can't live with them and then you can't cope without them. :)

Death Always Wins

I woke up late again. Slept 10 hours. The feeling of wasting a majority of my day recharging my mind and body is like owning a phone that uses equal amounts of charge to equal amounts of use. Why can we not fully charge within two hours? Anyhow. I told Bobby to give me till the end of this week before I applied for work and I haven't even finished the paintings I wanted. It'll be fine I guess. Just need those stupid paintbrushes and I need to start applying. Though, I'm hesitant because my worst fear is getting a call Friday and seeing if I can make it there Saturday or Sunday for an interview when I'm trying to get things ready for this holiday weekend. The house is a mess, my neck hurts, I need to clean and also get back on my diet and exercise. The other day we watched a new television show called Dead Like Me. Kinda made me think of the shitty ways I may end up dying. And part of me thinks that I might end up dying by my own hand. Not anytime soon of course, nor am I sad or depressed but I think for as much as I complain about me being sick and possibly risking getting cancer... the odds are I'll end up going crazy and just off myself. Quietly and gently, happily. I feel afraid sometimes just letting something else take my life. I'd rather do it myself. And if I didn't get that chance, then at least I'd be able to connect with my dad and understand what he went through. Death is a funny thing. It's like a thief taking you in the middle of the night when you're most involved in important matters. Death is a transition, a very sad one. And when that day comes, If I am aware of it, I should remember to not be afraid and let death work its course. In the meanwhile, I'll let this life embrace me and also drive me crazy and I hope that I can at least get my paintings done.

The Idiocy

Bobby always asks me why I fight religion so hard... Why I really go out of my way to disprove their ways. As much as I hold back and try to accept people for what they believe, the more it pisses me off because their beliefs come so heavily set in the ways of their stupid holy book.

Are babies born with sin?
According to the bible, Yes. The bible does indeed say that man is born in sin because of Adam's doing. "Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned "(Rom. 5:12)

So when some stupid woman comes around and makes up her own ideas of what God is, is she not picking and choosing from what the actual holy book says? To assume that "God is great and loving and everything he does is right." and "Babies don't go to hell." ...She is making her own view of God, which last I read was considered Blasphemy.

I don't know what pisses me off more: The ignorance of them eating up this "God is great!" bullshit or the idea that they KNOW exactly how their God thinks and works. I do know that if I were a Christian, I'd follow my holy book like it was a programming manual. Very exactly and straight forward, leaving no room for interpretation.

What I get really fucked up the ass about is how nobody stops to think that maybe babies don't sin because SIN doesn't exist!! To anyone who truly believes that a beautiful, delicate, little body breathing it's first breaths of life... is being immersed in sin... I politely tell you fuck you. This is why I fight religion. Because a parent who truly believes this will indoctrinate their children into thinking that they are bad children from day 0. Just like me, afraid to question Christ because I'd spend an eternity in hell.

FUCK RELIGION!

*Sigh*

Where can I begin? I blew up today on Bobby and for a few seconds, I saw my desperation spewing out of me like I'd bottled it up for quite a long time. I honestly felt like I was fixing to explode. Like the world could just take me away. I'm really fucking tired of this pressure building up around me. Don't know where the hell it's coming from but it feels like it's all around me, suffocating me. Is this fucking dark energy? The job situation, my diet, my health, my atheism upsetting my family, my constant wanting to feel purpose in life, my wanting to make Bobby proud. I don't even know if he is. I just know it all goes away after I hug him and his arms fit perfectly around me and it feels like he makes all the bad go away. I really don't know what is going to happen but the tough times are still ahead of me. I am quite sure of it. I'm trying to get myself organized and trying to set some goals. Slowly and steady so I don't overwhelm myself. Tonight, I told him to get off my back. Sounds 'asshole' of me. The way I looked when I said it... the devil flew out of me through my panicky breaths and exerted words and my yelling made my throat tremble. I'm a monster in this body. Why do I let things control me like that? Why do I let myself get consumed by difficult matters?

Another thing that pisses me off. Why can't people just act like themselves? I look onto my friends as people I can relate to and I see the smug-covered, shit-turd assholes they are. So full of shit. Just be yourself dammit. Nobody gives a shit how bad-ass you can mIzSpeLL sHit!

On another cooler note... I talked to Lindy today and it made my morning. I got to tell her Happy Birthday. Was pretty cool to talk to her again.

On another stickier note, Maria made it on to Bobby's Facebook friends. I shouldn't care, but I do... just a tad. Maybe I just don't trust her. He knows I don't fucking like her for several reasons and he still adds her. Well, so be it. I'm done trying to control what he does. But I swear I will raise hell if I find her posting provocative shit on his wall or if I find him 'liking' all her typical tits-hanging-out pictures. I'm in too much a delicate state right now to put up with this type of shit. He said something to the effect that he'd never sleep with her because she's had an abortion. He just doesn't find that attractive in a woman. I'm sorry. But it's just not a good enough excuse. I need something to the line of... I'm just not interested in her that way. Just fuck it. He said he still doesn't feel comfortable with Rudy around. Whatever... have your cake and eat it too.

Zombiewalk 2010

...was Killer!

Cutting back on Atheism

I had a long discussion with Bobby about different aspects of religion and his/my opinion on why we think that way. Then when we are done talking, it leaves me asking why we event got into that conversation to begin with. We agreed to leave the topic out of discussion from now on. A part of me feels quite disappointed that I can't have someone to share my beliefs with. But a part of me equally feels that he should stick to his beliefs without me interfering. It pains me to know that we won't ever talk about it again... and furthermore the notion that deep down inside - he will most likely feel ashamed of me for being the way I am, even if he says he is not. He stands there, biting his lip and shrugs it is usually a 'Well, I don't care anymore'. I know that he cares, he just wants to be tolerant. It just makes me wonder how this will affect all our future outings. It leaves me feeling quite empty and alone. Maybe I shouldn't feel that way but sitting alone on my computer - reading up on all the great sciences makes me feel alone and pathetic. If I just had a few more close friends to do things with. Or if I could just put Atheism out of mind for a while. Maybe things will get better. Maybe I won't feel so alone.

War On Myself

I find it rather amusing at how simple it is for my subconscious mind to turn against itself. I've been doing pretty well when it comes to trusting Bobby and then today I had this dream about Bobby hiding some naked girls' pictures from me. As if I hadn't enough worrying going on to begin with. Now my mind plants a fucking ticking time bomb in my head and I naturally feel like I want to rip everything open to find something that is being hidden from me. I didn't, but I have the strong inclination to do so. Despite all the things I said I would never allow myself, I feel like my mind is at war with myself. Perhaps, deep down it feels that I should not believe what I am told. Maybe it's my skeptic side. I don't know. And maybe I dream this stuff because I still don't have the balls to admit to him that I really don't believe him. How sad. How can I manage to be in a relationship if I feel someone is fucking me over constantly. Myself! I am fucking me over because it will no doubt ruin my relationship. I have to admit that in my dream, it felt like the worse blow to the chest. I woke up infuriated and feeling like my heart had swollen to a ton. Paranoia can be a sick thing. I don't allow other things to consume me and yet this suspicion is driving me into a frenzy and I can't seem to shake it off. How does one manage life like this?

My New Fatty Liver Diet

I had to sit down and google some pictures of my condition so that I can light a fire under my ass and get in shape. I wish I could just stay fat and the way I am. It's misleading. Whoever said that being fat was normal. It is.. but it's not. The amount of damage in your body could fuck you up without you knowing. This all stems back to my hospital visit last February or March of 2010. Who would've thought I'd end up with a Fatty Liver?? I'm a little thick but not so thick that I even felt the weight I was carrying was normal. It's my PCOS that is causing it. I just know it. But regardless. I worked out this morning but I really want to keep this lifestyle so I don't have to worry about my health. I already feel so sick that I am scared for my life. Yes, I really don't want to die yet. I have lots of shit to get done and a sweet ass man that I just made up with. Life is good and I should really try to kick my own ass to get things done. Here's the plan. Really... come'on Lorie! Just do it. You can do it!

EASY:
Drink plenty water or brewed tea with a little sugar for variety.
Eat foods high in fiber, low in calories and fat

MEDIUM:
Cut sodas, fast food, excessive sweets and food high in fat.

Lose weight slowly. (It's a bad idea to lose weight rapidly. It does damage to your liver.)

KINDA FUCKING HARD:
Work out a few times a week. This can start out easy but my willpower is shit. So man woman up!
No more alcohol. Fuck.
No more smoking. Fuckity Fuck!

In the end, all I need to kick me back into regimen is a hard look at what my liver could end up looking like. No doubt my dad's probably looked like this when he passed and I'm sure if he was still alive, he would help me to avoid the same suffering he went through. :(

Back At Home

I realize I need to explain why I'm back at home again. I thought you left town to find yourself??? Well, I'll leave this as a reminder for when I have more time to explain the situation. :)

Lorie Left Town To Find Herself

The way it happened seems fuzzy. Too much to sum up so quickly so I may have to spread some details here and there when I remember them. The obvious thing to state is that I've decided to put things on hold and move out of town. Yeah, I'm still here in Houston. Still love my boyfriend. Put my two weeks at my job and anxiously await for my last day at work. I build up so much here and I see how it can be difficult for me to up and leave everything behind for a while. Originally, an argument that me and Bobby had, led to me want to leave permanently. After a few days, I couldn't find myself strong enough to leave the love of my life forever. I love him too much. I love him so much and I'd love to put him in my pocket and take him with me wherever I went. I just don't find happiness here the way I would out there in some quiet town. I'm too much a fan of space and nature to not notice the small things. Like the hours I spent outside waiting to see the Perseid meteor shower which I couldn't see due to light pollution. The night sky calls to me. I can stand on my driveway and peer out at the few loneliest stars in the sky and feel amazing. I wonder what else is out there and I wonder not only about the sky but what is out there for a small, lucky, little person like me. I've got so much ambition in me, it rubs off onto others. Except Bobby. The lack of ambition is tiring sometimes. Doesn't mean he is a bad guy. Just makes me feel alone sometimes. I think taking time off might help us gain some breathing space. I get to see my family and study the stars and take in my surroundings daily. Might even try to get some local road trips with friends. It makes me sad knowing I'm leaving him behind. I'd love to show him what I see and how I visualize things but in this world, we do have ONE life and it's a damn shame to throw it away being stuck in a house. Just dreaming about the outside world. I have no children, I'm not married. I can walk, talk, work, cook. I think I'm the luckiest person. I appreciate life. I appreciate music, family, art, nature, space, animals, adventures. I'm hoping I get to see good things.

She Fell In Love With The Stars

That was I would title my new blog, but I decided against it. It's like turning my back on all the good things I've put into this blog. So, I've begun a new chapter. We'll just leave it at that. Though, if this chapter needed a title, it would be called "She Fell In Love With The Stars". It does seem too big though, doesn't it? So, we can also call it "Lorie Left Town To Find Herself."

What Led You To The Truth?

(A facebook group discussion)

Lorie Anne Lopez "I think what led me to the truth was the truth. I was raised both christian and catholic and at some point in my teen years I decided that perhaps the best thing to do was to research for myself and make a decision of where I stood in the world. I have a mind like a sponge and everything I want to learn, I pick up. So, eventually I stumbled upon astronomy and I didn't know much but I read and read and researched and it was like putting pieces together of a puzzle. They all fit and they represented a world that wasn't about evil or sin or church or an invisible savior in the sky. All the bad things I did as a teenager, running away, drugs and suicide attempts... I felt that God would never forgive me for my sins. I carried that guilt around for years and it stressed me to the neck about future decisions. Now that I'm not carrying that ugly baggage of nonsense around, I am able to enjoy life and the beautiful way it works. I can no longer see myself in the shoes of the theist. I am no longer afraid to live my life and that is deeply moving to me."

.. and there it is. I just felt I should post this up where it matters.
In the diary of my life and progress as a human.

Atheism and Arrogance

The past few weeks all I've been enjoying is taking in all that science has to offer over a media like the internet. I've watched lectures on cosmology, biology, skepticism and photos of the galaxy that bring an entire new meaning to my already fascinating view of the cosmos. I remember a post I made a few days back on Face book. A friend of mine said some atheists can be very self-centered and arrogant. That they can sometimes be as annoying as fanatical christians. I haven't met any atheists to have been arrogant. And then I found myself ballooning up to that stature moments ago. It's as if the more you open your eyes to understand about the world, the more you frown upon the people who are so close-minded. You sometimes wish to force feed them what you know so they can finally see the truth about the world. Do I know the truth? Maybe. Maybe not. But what separates me from the theists is that I have the ability and freedom to change my belief system to whatever points to the right truth. If somehow God was proven, then I would say I had something new to research and discover on the opposing side. But the lack of people's surprise is what elevates my ego. The fact that I can toy with my friends on Facebook by posting up a funny picture or video. I get several people 'liking' or commenting. When it comes to a science post... it becomes quiet in the room.
So sad.
I told myself (and bobby)that I could honestly respect someone's religious beliefs... and I'm starting to think I may have lied unintentionally. Because its like one of those scenarios (just like Joe Stack, from the IRS building-crash plan)... he said in his note that sometimes you have to resort to violent measures in order to get people's attention. I can totally agree. Nobody wants to argue their side either because they are completely brain-washed by their beliefs, or they are not smart enough to understand that science disproves of their beliefs, or they are afraid of being wrong and being humiliated by not bringing enough to back up their beliefs. I think what frightened me was the thought of telling my 80 year old grandmother that I do not believe in God. Her weak heart and condition is a major reason. I do not want to influence any trouble on her body just by being arrogant and wanting to tell her what I feel. It pains me to, but I'm sure any other person would do the same. Bobby asked me yesterday 'what makes you feel you have a right to disturb other people's beliefs?' and I don't feel I have the right to do it, but I do. Just as they have a right to fight me on my beliefs. I don't know where I was going with all this. I think I really just wanted to express how angry I'm becoming, how arrogant. How this could possibly end relationships I hold with people. Maybe that makes me an asshole but it's like being around idiots. Nobody wants to have one way conversations with people. Because they go nowhere. So eventually I will have intellectual conversations with intellectual people and lose a bit of respect for my friends. Maybe we are arrogant and maybe it's okay. Life is too short to give a shit. Just enjoy it.

Paranoia

Today, walking into the house after work and I find him startled on the computer. Sure, close the window. I gotta chance to see a name. Ashley. Who knows who he was messaging. All I know is it freaked him a bit and all of a sudden he gave me all this attention he normally doesn't give. What is he hiding? And I lay there watching TV and I just try to tell myself to not get stressed over small shit. I put it out of mind. After some TV, after some sex... stay up and crochet and keep staring at the computer. Got my facebook back up. I didn't get some of my family's contact info. Then the thought comes back. Look in the history. Who is this girl? And I couldn't find her. So yes, I did the stupid thing and I went in his mail and I think I took a deep breath and I gave up. On me trusting him. Sometimes in this paranoid little heart of mine, I sense I will never truly be happy with anyone. The time is getting closer to the three year mark and I'm starting to doubt us staying together longer. I love him but I think I'm too old for this shit. I just don't want to deal with this social chat bullshit paranoia between chicks and my man. Goddamn, we've come so far but I'm up to my neck with stressful shit and it's likely that I'm capable of breaking us up again. That's the scary part. Thinking that I'll have to live very close to that drawing line for a long time. Every argument we have will bring that line up for discussion. Every time he does something I don't approve of, it will raise the question of whether or not this is the end. And I honestly don't want to live that type of relationship. Maybe I'm a bitch or I'm short-tempered. I can be angry when it comes to lot of stupid shit. But I'd like to remind myself that I put a lot of support in this relationship. Time and care. And I just don't want to be fucked with. And I just want to be appreciated as much as I appreciate my partner. I don't want to feel threatened by competition, threatened by exes, threatened by excuses. I just want to feel at peace in my relationship for once. Feel like it's impenetrable. My throat hurts. I'm going to bed.

Tonight Feels Small

What happened in the last 40 minutes to make me change my mood? Whatever it was, it feels strange. Like for example, I told Bobby earlier that I wasn't interested in sex anymore. Why did I go and tell him something like that? There are times I think I shouldn't be completely honest because then I look disinterested in him. I mean, he ought to know that I love him. Nothing lately seems to arouse my sexual appetite. Sure, sex is nice. If it's happening, then by all means, it feels great. But I'm lacking a great deal of self esteem or wait a sec. I take that back. I do feel sexy. I just don't feel connected physically. Does that make any sense? It's like loving food, but not being able to taste it. There is a lack of appetite and taste. Sex seems bland. Maybe I've done it all. Maybe the same old missionary, on top, doggy style, legs in the air ... is a bit too much over done. Maybe my body just got tired of the same thing. Sex begins the same, and it ends the same. The only difference now is the piece of rubber we've included in-between us. Wow, this seems so pathetic. I don't want to have sex. I don't even masturbate anymore. Porn is all the same and it just doesn't get me off. I now understand the guy in the movie Romance. He just wanted to be alone. No sex. He just wanted to read and eat by himself. He wanted to go out and enjoy some time out. No sex. No sex. I couldn't ever understand that in the movie. I  couldn't imagine not wanting sex. I think the last time I felt aroused without Bobby was a Faith No More video I watched where Mike Patton was singing to me. It just went straight to my pants. I didn't get off to it, but little red flag here, in case you didn't notice. I'm afraid to even think that I'm not into my boyfriend anymore. I remember us having amazing sex the night I toked up. This was a few days ago, but I couldn't remember most of it the next day. I actually want to cry right now and I'm not sure if its because I'm frustrated or if it's because I feel a bit of tightening in my chest and my breathing feels a bit off. It feels like my body's under the water with my head sticking out. I can feel the pressure on my throat and my chest. Doesn't matter. I just don't know what questions to ask in order to solve this. I like my life. I don't want to be alone and miserable. I feel this way right now because I can't understand why my body and mind feel this way. I think Bobby thinks I don't find him attractive and its not true. Perhaps I ought to meditate and search for something that could sure get me turned on. Stocking never hurt.  Maybe I will crochet me some. Wish me luck.

What does 'Productive' mean to you?

I'm liking this new arrangement. I still feel like I need to check my Facebook by force of habit, but it will pass soon enough. I got a great deal of things done, even if they were only two. In one day, I forced myself into finishing what I needed to take care of. I ran into some blog online about how its 'lame' to be productive because it keeps you from enjoying life? Well, I understand what the message is, but it sure doesn't apply to you if what you love doing is what you are NOT doing because you waste it 'enjoying life' on Facebook. I love to read and study. I really do! I love to have that sense of satisfaction once I've achieved something. It doesn't mean I'm going to schedule my relationship, rather than schedule it for more time to spend out of our home doing nice, closer things. Visiting parks, taking pictures, going for walks, going to libraries... etc. I mean, you catch my drift. I see nothing wrong with schedule time to do things as small as eating at mom and pop restaurants. Bobby loves that. Anyhow. I can already see my level of happiness skyrocket. I have an extremely addictive personality and this can trigger me getting addicted to just about anything. But if I'm to get hooked on something, I rather it be reading, painting, drawing, crocheting, taking pictures outside, going for walks, exercise, just playing with the dogs. I mean, what looks bad about that. So, I don't check up on everybody on their day, nor do I copy and paste messages on my Facebook status about how much my father or mother was a hero... so what. You think about how much time one can spend on a website like that and its far too much. It should be spent on enjoying every second of life. Life is wonderful. I'm glad I made this decision. 

Deciding To Give It All Up

I've been extremely happy with the way things are. Sometimes I can be depressed. Sitting in this room alone, cold, playing my Facebook games, snacking, crocheting, feeling alone. I had been for the past few months, trying to expand my life a little further from my means. It meant thinking outside the box; not being afraid to question whether there is a God? I read up some articles on DMT and it made a lot of sense. It's most likely what my dad felt before he passed. I've thought about the same thing. That perhaps all death is are brain chemicals firing... giving you a relaxing experience before you pass. All of this science, it all makes sense. Enough with God talk. Enough with being afraid of death. Enough with wasting what incredible life I have on stupid, inane crap. I want to get up and do something. I know I'm just disgracing my life here waiting for something to happen. Nothing is going to heal you, no one is going to rescue you. I try to encourage people to see how amazing their day could be by just trying a little bit. Just trying. Then it pisses me off on how lame and idiotic humans are. A fucking waste of breath. Easily amused by the simplest shit that doesn't server anyone purpose. Non-contributing zeros. It's what I aspire to not be. I don't want to leave this Earth not fully taking advantage of all that is around and placed HERE before us by our planet. Sure, there is crime. People can be sick and that's all I will say. Because you take people from this planet and every other animal would do fine on its own. The Earth does not need us. We are the dandruff to this planet, the infection. And it pains me to see lack of motivation in people. Just that, just lacking motivation. For anything. For science, for their own ability to learn. Nobodies. Nobodies. I'm deciding today to get rid of all my games. To cancel my Facebook, to find better things to do than waste my time on the internet. You know I just realized I wasted a good year or two on something as pointless as a social networking site. I could've been elevating myself in this life. I sure feel stupid. No more Facebook games. I don't want to talk anymore. I just want peace and quiet. I'm going to try and take walks now, read my books, crochet, paint, study, call people, finish my projects. It will give me peace of mind and I'll be happier. I'll still keep this blog up of course. I don't want to go completely crazy. That's it for now. It feels good to even take that first step in acknowledging it.


My Facebook Status:
After much thought, I realized I wasted a good year or two on something as pointless as Facebook. I could've done something better with my life. I sure feel stupid. No more Facebook apps/games/statuses. I don't want to talk anymore. I just want peace and quiet. Feel free to contact me or send me your contact info via phone, 832-468-8300 or email, ilovelorie@gmail.com. So long, and thanks for all the fish! :D

Realization Set In

I know I haven't posted in a few weeks? Not much has happened with the exception of crocheting my first few items, Kristina dumping Cody and me fooling around with Jessica in the backseat of her car. Just me breathing normally these past few weeks, crocheting like some old hag. It's okay. I don't mind it. But all this shit storm of crap flying at me is really putting me on edge. I mean, the artslam, my school loans, being car less, being broke, having my credit shot to shit, identity theft, taxes, religious babble flooding the net, my father, my ailments, my obsessions, my vices, my depression. FUCK! It's a spoonful to swallow, isn't it? I think it's rising and I think soon I will lose my mind to emptiness and nothingness. The vast nothing. Just wipe out like my external drive did on me. A whole 28 years of shit erased. Remembered only through memories and beyond those memories... UNIMPORTANT.

Seriously. I haven't felt a surge of euphoria and I'm tempted to live my life drugged and notoriously scandalous. Go where I need to go, shit where I want to shit. Forget everyone. And then there is my love standing there clearly visible in front of all that sludge of anxiety. I do this for him. He is holding me here, down to Earth. I love him so much and I don't know if he realizes exactly how much. Dangerously much. I think the second he lets me go, I will unwind into a dangerous place. A place I know I can live in despite all its ugliness. I have lived there before. I'm tired of it all, I want to escape.

The Exes Post

Lindy No Longer Online
She deleted her Myspace and Facebook. I felt like she left forever. She's out there somewhere, but it sucks that I can't see her picture anymore. Every time I got on Myspace, I'd go look at her picture. She had that really cute one where she's smiling really big. I was watching an old friend from a distance. I miss her a lot. I used to dream about her a lot. About her hair and her voice. Her face. Man, I really do think I liked her. I think were things different between her and Bobby and me and Bobby, I would've tried to actually DATE her. It was so stupid getting into a fight over dumb shit. It was my fault but it was just miscommunication. I should've never snapped at her like that. I'm such a cow. Hopefully one day she'll forgive me. I sent her a text on my phone and I didn't get a reply. It's okay. As long as she knows I mean her no harm. I will take that as a better moment between us.

And speaking of Exes...
I was in my Outlook earlier trying to delete old emails and I found a lot of pictures with Reyes and me and some of Michael and me kissing. I need to post them up. I think I have an obligation after naming this site "She had many boyfriends" and why not? Hopefully if Bobby reads this, he won't get upset. After all... if he's going to keep pictures of him and Brit at prom and them kissing... I don't see why I can't. Here's my two minutes of gratification. One for each old flame.


Reyes Herrera was a wildstorm. We dated twice. The second time... we just burned that bridge. Had we not went out separate ways... I wouldn't have met Bobby. :)


Michael Shipman, denied that we ever dated. He didn't mind kissing me but he refused to call me his girl until I was completely divorced from Albert.



...Holly snaps!! Another two boyfriends to add!

Joe was my non-exclusive boyfriend for a few weeks. He didn't tell me he was married with kids until weeks later. But he was still very nice and helpful to me and my cousin.


Justin was my boyfriend for a few days. We slept together, and a few dates after that and I just couldn't see myself actually dating him. This was the night after and I suggested this Mexican place by my apartment.

It's To Be Expected...

My brother is a greedy turd.

A few years after my dad passed away, my family decided to sell our small family house. It sold for a little more than four thousand. The money was used to cover my dad's funeral costs and the remainder was split between my grandmother, my siblings and myself (1K each). My dad's family didn't' like my mother. They were scared that my mother would take my little sister's cut and use it for herself. So, they decided to give my sister the money and tell my mother they were keeping it in the bank for her to take out once she turned 18. She was 16 at the time. I recall my ex husband and I taking my little sister to my aunt's bank to take out her money. We handed my sister the money in an envelope and I specifically told her not to waste it on small shit. It was the last remnants of what was left of our childhood. A few years later, my older cousin Roxy builds an enormous house on top of my dad's land. Animosity ensues and everyone is pissed and goes their own way, etc. etc.

...fast forward to now.

My older brother calls me yesterday saying that my aunt Emma can help us to fix this by swapping land with us since technically the land wasn't under my dad's name but under my grandmothers name. She told my brother that she would also buy that land from us if we didn't want to build on it. She asked him how much he needed, to which he replied 4K.

He asks me to call her and see how much we can get for it. My aunt says she can try and give us a reasonable amount but if it's too much, she will need to ask my grandmother for help (she is 85). I didn't want to put her though anything like that so I call my brother and tell him that if we can get 4K like he asked we can split it 3 ways and each get about 1,333 each. He laughs at this and insists that he get his cut of 4 or 5 thousand to build his small house on the ranch. When I tell him that the land may not be worth more than what he's asking, he suggests: that if my aunt can give us 5K, that HE be taken care of first. He would keep 3K and my sister and I can keep 1K, because after all... I just needed 1K to get a small car, right?.

When I accused him of being greedy and unfair. He said I was stupid and that going lower than that and my aunt could be technically "stealing from us". I said... "stealing? are you crazy?"

1. That is not technically our land.
2. If my aunt didn't swap lands with us, our land would be under my cousins big ass house.
3. She doesn't HAVE TO BUY it. The land is rendered useless since there is no way of getting to the land via driveway. So, there are no others in line waiting to buy this.
4. She is doing it to help us out. Money out of HER pocket.
5. The land that she's buying from us, which is actually her land.... if it value's as my dad's land... would be fair to equally split between all three of his children. Not 60/20/20.

Then he accuses me of stealing my sister's 1K from my dad's house money because nobody remembers my sister receiving 1K dollars. OMFG! I yelled at him for roughly 5 minutes and then I realized that he hung up on me. How dare he accuse me of taking money from my sister. Had I not needed that measly 1K, I'd give it to both of them equally. Fuck this. I'm tired of my brother being a greedy piece of shit. The world doesn't owe you shit, Joel. That is why people work for a fucking living.

I had to call my aunt late at night and explain the situation. I am glad that she was amused at my brother wanting the 5K for himself. She said No Way! No one gets more than the other. She said not to worry. She will have the land appraised and whatever the value is what we split or no deal.

As much as it felt good to know I wasn't the only one that saw this as crazy, it made me so angry. Maybe it was the fact that he could accuse me of doing something like that to my sister. Or maybe it was the fact that I tried believing he was more than what he seemed to be. I thought he could change and put his family first. That he would tell us, "Don't worry sis. This money will help us all in some way." Maybe it was seeing that he could easily let money consume him to the point that he puts himself before his sisters. I think I hated him for a very long time. I knew we had our differences but tonight when I tore open on the phone... I felt that it killed whatever last shred of respect and hope I had for him. Whatever happens to that money... I hope he gets his fix... because I seriously doubt that from now till the day I die, will I give a fuck about what happens to him. He may be my family by blood, but he isn't by heart.

But knowing my brother, it's to be expected. So I need to relax and let this roll off.

[ I have nothing to quote that can ease my mind from this mess. Confucius, if you are out there, bring me a good proverb of calm and peace. ]

Focus!

Got all sad today thinking what a miserable failure I've been. A non-contributing zero. I decided to get rid of my facebook games and focus on trying to get a job and doing something more productive with my time. Shit sucks. But the HIGHS of my day were:

We watched AVATAR! Finally, my baby took me to go see it and I also drove today. He let me drive the Xb for the first time and I went around the neighborhood a good half hour or so. :) Practice makes perfect but I think the fact that he had confidence in me helped me to focus on trying to get my license. Maybe when people doubt me, I tend to do my worse. I should try to change that and do better.

Here' to tomorrow's tasks and getting stuff done.
Ciao.

He who will not economize will have to agonize.
-Confucius

If a man takes no thought about what is distant, he will find sorrow near at hand.
-Confucius, The Confucian Analects

What the Buck!

I tend to forget to write. I shouldn't take it personal. The past few days.... as always twisted with certain surprises. Let me start from the beginning.


Bugs Going Around
A few days ago my allergies were pretty bad. I thought it was a cold but only had the worst sinus headache, runny nose and drippy eye of my life. Bob on the other hand got flu like symptoms and decided Thursday to just go ahead and quit. I mean, what's the point? He worked at least one week from his two week notice. Came home with a fever and had to sweat it out. I hate that sometimes I can't do anything to help. I am completely good now. No more drippy eye. Bob is better too. So there is that.





Johnny Fantasy
We finally caught Justin's show. It was awesome! I was excited the whole time I was there. Almost all the family went to see Justin perform. The food there was not that expensive and it was fun sitting with Peggy and Chuck. Peggy was amazing. She was the one on our side making the most noise. Booing the wrestlers and rooting for Justin. He did a fantastic performance. Got smacked in the chest a few million times but he did good. I can't wait to go to the next one! Go Johnny Fantasy! It was supposed to be Johnny Muscles, but whatever. lol.


Crochet Madness
I opened up that sewing book I bought at the thrift store and finally started learning to crochet. Valerie taught me my single crochet and I've been learning the rest from the book. I didn't think I would pick it up so quick but its quite nice. I also went to Justin's apartment today with Bobby and Katy showed me how to use the sewing machine. They gave us the fabric. I made a pillowcase with some cool ass unicorns on it. Hell yeah! Thanks guys.


Tracy vs Stephanie vs Me and Bob vs Jeremy vs Stephanie vs Who?
So apparently Jeremy took Stephanie over to Tracy's house without telling him that she was coming with. Tracy decided to hold it in and then send Bobby, Stephanie and Me an email with a lash out at Jeremy for bringing over Stephanie. I just need to note that even though we are not talking to Stephanie, I really think she has a point. Tracy could've just pulled Jeremy aside and told him and not have to be childish about the whole thing. To me, it just seems like it creates more drama. And who cares how stupid his email is? He preferred to send it to us and include us in the argument which was not our business. So either way... it was the wrong way. Well, hell. Let me just put the emails here in this link.

Blonde Beauty

I had a dream about Lindy last night. It was so odd but I will probably never forget that dream. I was with Bob somewhere and I saw her pull up in some car. She forgot to put the car in park and it rolled back slightly and she panicked and when she got the car where she wanted, she giggled and came walking over to us. She went and hugged Bob and I waited for her to walk up to me. Anxiously. I opened my arms and she hugged me. She wore a white collar button up shirt and her hair was all crazy curls poofed everywhere. When I hugged her, I smelled her hair. It smelled like she'd been standing in the sun a while. The smell of hot hair and sand mixed with the light smell of perfume. It was simply beautiful watching her eyes as she came up. It was like out of the movies. The sun's glare behind her as she walks up. You catch my drift. The feeling I felt was that I had seen a good friend again. I miss her a lot and hopefully I'll talk to her again in the future. If not, I will use this dream as our mutual goodbye.

Six Days

Almost a week. I have no excuse. I could've written something down on paper. But anyhow. There is only one way to get caught up. A long post.

The Move
We finally settled in at Bob's parents house. These last six days were spent bagging everything, packing everything into that tiny but huge Scion, dragging some stuff to the new place and some stuff to storage. And repeat. Finally after we unloaded all our junk into the room, I've slowly been putting stuff where it goes. Got the internet set up the day before yesterday. Did my usual farming. Just taking care of the cats and cleaning up around me. I can see that it is a positive thing here. Which brings me back to why I love my mother. I can honestly say that she taught me well to be a good guest. Overall the move went well BUT the bad news is ... we lost Tzippy. We brought him home and I think maybe the cold or the dogs may have made him wander further than usual. I haven't seen him since. I love that cat so much and I'm still trying to keep positive I guess. Hopefully he comes back.

The Random
Bob got him a new job at ICI paints thanks to Joel's dad. He starts in two weeks and I hope all that goes well for him. My sister sent me a text today with a photo of a cucumber crop that apparently survived all this time since we left my mom's house. How strange nature can be. Another cool thing I did this week was crocheted a tiny purse out of that crochet bit I worked on with Valerie. This week is full of things I have to take care of. I have two projects to complete, some jobs to apply to, things to store and clean and cats and other animals to watch. Time to get stuff done.


The Magic Pickle

Derailed

I don't know where the past few days have gone. I worked out this morning. I hadn't worked out in a while. Been waking up sick the past few days feeling bloated and it scares me to think that I am pregnant. But Bobby is right. I get so paranoid sometimes and yes, I'm still torn between wanting and not wanting kids right now. But realistically, this is not the time to want them. With all that has been going on and me trying to help myself, I need to kick that idea far away from me.

I'm still feeling pretty strong about my goals. Rather, they are still pretty clear in my mind. Which only makes me happy to know that I haven't given up just yet. Today I plan on working on some projects and cleaning up my computer. I need to try and avoid using the internet so much. I feel hours lost at stupid irrelevant things. If I am after peace and a sense of accomplishment, I should try to focus on my diet and exercise, finishing my work and looking for jobs.

ACCOMPLISH THAT!

I will not be concerned at other men's not knowing me;I will be concerned at my own want of ability.
-Confucius

Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart.
-Confucius

The Crossover

I've been a bit torn lately about my dad. I still feel like he's around me somewhere trying to guide me. It doens't matter how silly it sounds, it keeps me sane. I get pretty depressed sometimes feeling like a burden to others and fantasize a lot about what it would be like to take my life. Ending it is very easy. The hard part is accepting how much pain you will inflict outside your wounds. Your escape will become everyone's tragedy. Atleast, to those that really love you. When I think about this, I think about how my dad would see me. Like the first time... he looked so torn up. But what someone sees as a shameful act, I just see as the next step nobody is willing to take. I'm an explorer by heart. My entire life, all I've wanted was to step out of my boundaries and see what this world embraces and I have so many obstacles. Seems like death is the easiest one to crossover.

And of course I don't want to write this to gain anyones sympathy. Fuck that. I have better things to do. Yes, life can be emotional but why are people so afraid to think outside their means of perception? Do they really believe that we will burn forever? Do they really believe in sin?

Heaven means to be one with God.

-Confucius

If we don't know life, how can we know death?

-Confucius

Doin' The Laundry

This morning we got up to take the clothes to the laundromat and we pick up some grub from Jack in the Box on the way. After we put the clothes to wash, we sat there in the car with the heater on, in our jackets eating our tacos and burgers looking out at the parking lot. The place looked pretty ghetto. And I looked over at Bobby while he was adjusting his seat and it felt like we could be one of those old couples that travel around the country in a trailer. Making home where ever it may be. It is a pretty uplifting feeling that I could be this comfortable with my love. That's how I know he is my one and only. Whatever it is, we are side by side. Doing laundry. Playing with our new phones. He teases me constantly and there is nothing sexier than a man who can make me laugh. :)





On another note...
Bobby received a text from Jeremy this morning. He got a hair up his butt and decided to move to Austin... with Stephanie. *ah shit* Well, every adult has his right to do whatever the hell they want, you know? But Bobby looked pretty tore up about the whole ordeal. He cares a lot about his friends and just as any good friend, he worries about the path Jeremy is taking. I frankly don't want to see Stephanie around. Neither does Bobby. She used to be a friend and then she fucked him over by fucking his friend and a week later ignorantly paraded their love infront of him as if it was no big deal. Something that he should just accept. For weeks we shamed her and tried pushing him to get his life together and all for nothing. Well, buddy I know what it is like to feel alone or in love. I wish you the best.

Be NOT ashamed of mistakes and thus make them crimes.
-Confucius

Mistakes are part of the dues we pay for a full life.
-Sophia Loren

In memory of Steve Lopez.
Today was 9 years since you passed away.
You are still and forever in my mind father.

Revisiting The First Date

Just got back from Fuddruckers with my babe. Feels just like the first time we went out on our first date. First time in a long while that we've had a chance to enjoy a decent lunch and laugh. Him being a goofball and me playing along. After I posted my first blog last night, I wrote down some goals and hopefully I can put some of them down in an entry and brainstorm on some steps to accomplish them. Sometimes blogs don't matter. I'm hoping these deconstruct my thought process and I can better strategize. It's all a gameplan really. Draw out your plan of action and execute. I feel good knowing that we are slowly getting caught up. It sucks to live in a place where you know you are not welcome. You try your hardest to pull your weight and get shit paid and it can get us down sometimes. But things are looking up. Slowly but surely.

It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.
-Confucius

The Usual Cliché Introduction Blog

It always starts this way...
I swore I would be done with all the blogs but I find sometimes, like today, proof that I need somewhere to gather these thoughts. Some bad, some good and some too awful that I just want to get them out of mind. This started New Years Day when I felt the metaphorical kick in the face. I've never felt like a worse sack of shit in my life. I was surrounded by wonderful people. Friends working hard, graduating, making plans. They have a very successful path ahead of them and I'm proud. I really am. But going around the circle and my boyfriend and I discuss our situation. It had me thinking the entire night how I had to put together a master plan. Execute! I've written many blogs and many irrelevant Facebook statuses about how tired I am of living in a shithole I put myself in. The idea was to motivate myself and after reading old blogs from almost ten years ago... I realize I'm just in the same heap of shit as I was back then. No way. No way I will allow this to continue any further. I stood there next to my love while the Fireworks exploded in the sky. Looking around and I'm in a good place. My friends with their mates, drinks in hand, all smiles and good thoughts and I sunk deeper in my head. I whispered and rambled and chanted angrily, "You have got to get your shit together".

...and continues
I made it a small goal to sit and write down the things that needed to get done in order to achieve. I guess I'm going against the world or fate or myself or whatever is out there. I just have a hard time sticking to it sometimes. Well, my brain can be funny and tonight I felt an uneasiness set it. I had goals at some point in life. I wanted to be free and independent. When divorced my husband from my first and only marriage, my goal was to set out and find the true meaning of life. I went through a year of self-sustained independence before buckling under the pressures of depression and loneliness in my sad life in San Antonio. Shortly after moving to Houston, I met Bobby (that's another great story to tell). All I know if that my plans shifted and I wanted a house and kids and I love this man with all my soul. I know I'm going on a tangent here, but the point was... I never saw myself going so far off my path. I'm going where ever the current is taking me and it was never in my plans. One month I live in my parent's old house, the next month with a friend, the next month... who knows. Always going in the direction that is nowhere near what I wanted. This migrating stems back a few years. A big road bump. Now I'm here. I sat starting at my computer screen for the first time thinking all of this freetime I have is spent on bullshit things. Like Facebook games and the like. Do I want to look back years from now and feel proud that I was a tool to Farmville, twitter, myspace, blogger, youtube. I had to get up. I had a Shiner beer and smoked a cigarette and decided this was the day things would change. This is the day I grow out of my shell into an adult. The day I stop messing around with all the stupid shit and reach for something higher. For both of us.