The Usual Cliché Introduction Blog

It always starts this way...
I swore I would be done with all the blogs but I find sometimes, like today, proof that I need somewhere to gather these thoughts. Some bad, some good and some too awful that I just want to get them out of mind. This started New Years Day when I felt the metaphorical kick in the face. I've never felt like a worse sack of shit in my life. I was surrounded by wonderful people. Friends working hard, graduating, making plans. They have a very successful path ahead of them and I'm proud. I really am. But going around the circle and my boyfriend and I discuss our situation. It had me thinking the entire night how I had to put together a master plan. Execute! I've written many blogs and many irrelevant Facebook statuses about how tired I am of living in a shithole I put myself in. The idea was to motivate myself and after reading old blogs from almost ten years ago... I realize I'm just in the same heap of shit as I was back then. No way. No way I will allow this to continue any further. I stood there next to my love while the Fireworks exploded in the sky. Looking around and I'm in a good place. My friends with their mates, drinks in hand, all smiles and good thoughts and I sunk deeper in my head. I whispered and rambled and chanted angrily, "You have got to get your shit together".

...and continues
I made it a small goal to sit and write down the things that needed to get done in order to achieve. I guess I'm going against the world or fate or myself or whatever is out there. I just have a hard time sticking to it sometimes. Well, my brain can be funny and tonight I felt an uneasiness set it. I had goals at some point in life. I wanted to be free and independent. When divorced my husband from my first and only marriage, my goal was to set out and find the true meaning of life. I went through a year of self-sustained independence before buckling under the pressures of depression and loneliness in my sad life in San Antonio. Shortly after moving to Houston, I met Bobby (that's another great story to tell). All I know if that my plans shifted and I wanted a house and kids and I love this man with all my soul. I know I'm going on a tangent here, but the point was... I never saw myself going so far off my path. I'm going where ever the current is taking me and it was never in my plans. One month I live in my parent's old house, the next month with a friend, the next month... who knows. Always going in the direction that is nowhere near what I wanted. This migrating stems back a few years. A big road bump. Now I'm here. I sat starting at my computer screen for the first time thinking all of this freetime I have is spent on bullshit things. Like Facebook games and the like. Do I want to look back years from now and feel proud that I was a tool to Farmville, twitter, myspace, blogger, youtube. I had to get up. I had a Shiner beer and smoked a cigarette and decided this was the day things would change. This is the day I grow out of my shell into an adult. The day I stop messing around with all the stupid shit and reach for something higher. For both of us.