Realization Set In

I know I haven't posted in a few weeks? Not much has happened with the exception of crocheting my first few items, Kristina dumping Cody and me fooling around with Jessica in the backseat of her car. Just me breathing normally these past few weeks, crocheting like some old hag. It's okay. I don't mind it. But all this shit storm of crap flying at me is really putting me on edge. I mean, the artslam, my school loans, being car less, being broke, having my credit shot to shit, identity theft, taxes, religious babble flooding the net, my father, my ailments, my obsessions, my vices, my depression. FUCK! It's a spoonful to swallow, isn't it? I think it's rising and I think soon I will lose my mind to emptiness and nothingness. The vast nothing. Just wipe out like my external drive did on me. A whole 28 years of shit erased. Remembered only through memories and beyond those memories... UNIMPORTANT.

Seriously. I haven't felt a surge of euphoria and I'm tempted to live my life drugged and notoriously scandalous. Go where I need to go, shit where I want to shit. Forget everyone. And then there is my love standing there clearly visible in front of all that sludge of anxiety. I do this for him. He is holding me here, down to Earth. I love him so much and I don't know if he realizes exactly how much. Dangerously much. I think the second he lets me go, I will unwind into a dangerous place. A place I know I can live in despite all its ugliness. I have lived there before. I'm tired of it all, I want to escape.