Paranoia

Today, walking into the house after work and I find him startled on the computer. Sure, close the window. I gotta chance to see a name. Ashley. Who knows who he was messaging. All I know is it freaked him a bit and all of a sudden he gave me all this attention he normally doesn't give. What is he hiding? And I lay there watching TV and I just try to tell myself to not get stressed over small shit. I put it out of mind. After some TV, after some sex... stay up and crochet and keep staring at the computer. Got my facebook back up. I didn't get some of my family's contact info. Then the thought comes back. Look in the history. Who is this girl? And I couldn't find her. So yes, I did the stupid thing and I went in his mail and I think I took a deep breath and I gave up. On me trusting him. Sometimes in this paranoid little heart of mine, I sense I will never truly be happy with anyone. The time is getting closer to the three year mark and I'm starting to doubt us staying together longer. I love him but I think I'm too old for this shit. I just don't want to deal with this social chat bullshit paranoia between chicks and my man. Goddamn, we've come so far but I'm up to my neck with stressful shit and it's likely that I'm capable of breaking us up again. That's the scary part. Thinking that I'll have to live very close to that drawing line for a long time. Every argument we have will bring that line up for discussion. Every time he does something I don't approve of, it will raise the question of whether or not this is the end. And I honestly don't want to live that type of relationship. Maybe I'm a bitch or I'm short-tempered. I can be angry when it comes to lot of stupid shit. But I'd like to remind myself that I put a lot of support in this relationship. Time and care. And I just don't want to be fucked with. And I just want to be appreciated as much as I appreciate my partner. I don't want to feel threatened by competition, threatened by exes, threatened by excuses. I just want to feel at peace in my relationship for once. Feel like it's impenetrable. My throat hurts. I'm going to bed.

Tonight Feels Small

What happened in the last 40 minutes to make me change my mood? Whatever it was, it feels strange. Like for example, I told Bobby earlier that I wasn't interested in sex anymore. Why did I go and tell him something like that? There are times I think I shouldn't be completely honest because then I look disinterested in him. I mean, he ought to know that I love him. Nothing lately seems to arouse my sexual appetite. Sure, sex is nice. If it's happening, then by all means, it feels great. But I'm lacking a great deal of self esteem or wait a sec. I take that back. I do feel sexy. I just don't feel connected physically. Does that make any sense? It's like loving food, but not being able to taste it. There is a lack of appetite and taste. Sex seems bland. Maybe I've done it all. Maybe the same old missionary, on top, doggy style, legs in the air ... is a bit too much over done. Maybe my body just got tired of the same thing. Sex begins the same, and it ends the same. The only difference now is the piece of rubber we've included in-between us. Wow, this seems so pathetic. I don't want to have sex. I don't even masturbate anymore. Porn is all the same and it just doesn't get me off. I now understand the guy in the movie Romance. He just wanted to be alone. No sex. He just wanted to read and eat by himself. He wanted to go out and enjoy some time out. No sex. No sex. I couldn't ever understand that in the movie. I  couldn't imagine not wanting sex. I think the last time I felt aroused without Bobby was a Faith No More video I watched where Mike Patton was singing to me. It just went straight to my pants. I didn't get off to it, but little red flag here, in case you didn't notice. I'm afraid to even think that I'm not into my boyfriend anymore. I remember us having amazing sex the night I toked up. This was a few days ago, but I couldn't remember most of it the next day. I actually want to cry right now and I'm not sure if its because I'm frustrated or if it's because I feel a bit of tightening in my chest and my breathing feels a bit off. It feels like my body's under the water with my head sticking out. I can feel the pressure on my throat and my chest. Doesn't matter. I just don't know what questions to ask in order to solve this. I like my life. I don't want to be alone and miserable. I feel this way right now because I can't understand why my body and mind feel this way. I think Bobby thinks I don't find him attractive and its not true. Perhaps I ought to meditate and search for something that could sure get me turned on. Stocking never hurt.  Maybe I will crochet me some. Wish me luck.

What does 'Productive' mean to you?

I'm liking this new arrangement. I still feel like I need to check my Facebook by force of habit, but it will pass soon enough. I got a great deal of things done, even if they were only two. In one day, I forced myself into finishing what I needed to take care of. I ran into some blog online about how its 'lame' to be productive because it keeps you from enjoying life? Well, I understand what the message is, but it sure doesn't apply to you if what you love doing is what you are NOT doing because you waste it 'enjoying life' on Facebook. I love to read and study. I really do! I love to have that sense of satisfaction once I've achieved something. It doesn't mean I'm going to schedule my relationship, rather than schedule it for more time to spend out of our home doing nice, closer things. Visiting parks, taking pictures, going for walks, going to libraries... etc. I mean, you catch my drift. I see nothing wrong with schedule time to do things as small as eating at mom and pop restaurants. Bobby loves that. Anyhow. I can already see my level of happiness skyrocket. I have an extremely addictive personality and this can trigger me getting addicted to just about anything. But if I'm to get hooked on something, I rather it be reading, painting, drawing, crocheting, taking pictures outside, going for walks, exercise, just playing with the dogs. I mean, what looks bad about that. So, I don't check up on everybody on their day, nor do I copy and paste messages on my Facebook status about how much my father or mother was a hero... so what. You think about how much time one can spend on a website like that and its far too much. It should be spent on enjoying every second of life. Life is wonderful. I'm glad I made this decision. 

Deciding To Give It All Up

I've been extremely happy with the way things are. Sometimes I can be depressed. Sitting in this room alone, cold, playing my Facebook games, snacking, crocheting, feeling alone. I had been for the past few months, trying to expand my life a little further from my means. It meant thinking outside the box; not being afraid to question whether there is a God? I read up some articles on DMT and it made a lot of sense. It's most likely what my dad felt before he passed. I've thought about the same thing. That perhaps all death is are brain chemicals firing... giving you a relaxing experience before you pass. All of this science, it all makes sense. Enough with God talk. Enough with being afraid of death. Enough with wasting what incredible life I have on stupid, inane crap. I want to get up and do something. I know I'm just disgracing my life here waiting for something to happen. Nothing is going to heal you, no one is going to rescue you. I try to encourage people to see how amazing their day could be by just trying a little bit. Just trying. Then it pisses me off on how lame and idiotic humans are. A fucking waste of breath. Easily amused by the simplest shit that doesn't server anyone purpose. Non-contributing zeros. It's what I aspire to not be. I don't want to leave this Earth not fully taking advantage of all that is around and placed HERE before us by our planet. Sure, there is crime. People can be sick and that's all I will say. Because you take people from this planet and every other animal would do fine on its own. The Earth does not need us. We are the dandruff to this planet, the infection. And it pains me to see lack of motivation in people. Just that, just lacking motivation. For anything. For science, for their own ability to learn. Nobodies. Nobodies. I'm deciding today to get rid of all my games. To cancel my Facebook, to find better things to do than waste my time on the internet. You know I just realized I wasted a good year or two on something as pointless as a social networking site. I could've been elevating myself in this life. I sure feel stupid. No more Facebook games. I don't want to talk anymore. I just want peace and quiet. I'm going to try and take walks now, read my books, crochet, paint, study, call people, finish my projects. It will give me peace of mind and I'll be happier. I'll still keep this blog up of course. I don't want to go completely crazy. That's it for now. It feels good to even take that first step in acknowledging it.


My Facebook Status:
After much thought, I realized I wasted a good year or two on something as pointless as Facebook. I could've done something better with my life. I sure feel stupid. No more Facebook apps/games/statuses. I don't want to talk anymore. I just want peace and quiet. Feel free to contact me or send me your contact info via phone, 832-468-8300 or email, ilovelorie@gmail.com. So long, and thanks for all the fish! :D