Paranoia

Today, walking into the house after work and I find him startled on the computer. Sure, close the window. I gotta chance to see a name. Ashley. Who knows who he was messaging. All I know is it freaked him a bit and all of a sudden he gave me all this attention he normally doesn't give. What is he hiding? And I lay there watching TV and I just try to tell myself to not get stressed over small shit. I put it out of mind. After some TV, after some sex... stay up and crochet and keep staring at the computer. Got my facebook back up. I didn't get some of my family's contact info. Then the thought comes back. Look in the history. Who is this girl? And I couldn't find her. So yes, I did the stupid thing and I went in his mail and I think I took a deep breath and I gave up. On me trusting him. Sometimes in this paranoid little heart of mine, I sense I will never truly be happy with anyone. The time is getting closer to the three year mark and I'm starting to doubt us staying together longer. I love him but I think I'm too old for this shit. I just don't want to deal with this social chat bullshit paranoia between chicks and my man. Goddamn, we've come so far but I'm up to my neck with stressful shit and it's likely that I'm capable of breaking us up again. That's the scary part. Thinking that I'll have to live very close to that drawing line for a long time. Every argument we have will bring that line up for discussion. Every time he does something I don't approve of, it will raise the question of whether or not this is the end. And I honestly don't want to live that type of relationship. Maybe I'm a bitch or I'm short-tempered. I can be angry when it comes to lot of stupid shit. But I'd like to remind myself that I put a lot of support in this relationship. Time and care. And I just don't want to be fucked with. And I just want to be appreciated as much as I appreciate my partner. I don't want to feel threatened by competition, threatened by exes, threatened by excuses. I just want to feel at peace in my relationship for once. Feel like it's impenetrable. My throat hurts. I'm going to bed.