Tonight Feels Small

What happened in the last 40 minutes to make me change my mood? Whatever it was, it feels strange. Like for example, I told Bobby earlier that I wasn't interested in sex anymore. Why did I go and tell him something like that? There are times I think I shouldn't be completely honest because then I look disinterested in him. I mean, he ought to know that I love him. Nothing lately seems to arouse my sexual appetite. Sure, sex is nice. If it's happening, then by all means, it feels great. But I'm lacking a great deal of self esteem or wait a sec. I take that back. I do feel sexy. I just don't feel connected physically. Does that make any sense? It's like loving food, but not being able to taste it. There is a lack of appetite and taste. Sex seems bland. Maybe I've done it all. Maybe the same old missionary, on top, doggy style, legs in the air ... is a bit too much over done. Maybe my body just got tired of the same thing. Sex begins the same, and it ends the same. The only difference now is the piece of rubber we've included in-between us. Wow, this seems so pathetic. I don't want to have sex. I don't even masturbate anymore. Porn is all the same and it just doesn't get me off. I now understand the guy in the movie Romance. He just wanted to be alone. No sex. He just wanted to read and eat by himself. He wanted to go out and enjoy some time out. No sex. No sex. I couldn't ever understand that in the movie. I  couldn't imagine not wanting sex. I think the last time I felt aroused without Bobby was a Faith No More video I watched where Mike Patton was singing to me. It just went straight to my pants. I didn't get off to it, but little red flag here, in case you didn't notice. I'm afraid to even think that I'm not into my boyfriend anymore. I remember us having amazing sex the night I toked up. This was a few days ago, but I couldn't remember most of it the next day. I actually want to cry right now and I'm not sure if its because I'm frustrated or if it's because I feel a bit of tightening in my chest and my breathing feels a bit off. It feels like my body's under the water with my head sticking out. I can feel the pressure on my throat and my chest. Doesn't matter. I just don't know what questions to ask in order to solve this. I like my life. I don't want to be alone and miserable. I feel this way right now because I can't understand why my body and mind feel this way. I think Bobby thinks I don't find him attractive and its not true. Perhaps I ought to meditate and search for something that could sure get me turned on. Stocking never hurt.  Maybe I will crochet me some. Wish me luck.