Fuck Love

I can't believe I've gone so far as to think that life seems pointless. I've hurt Bobby and I feel that maybe I should spare him the grief and just pack and go. Leave for good. At least then I could say that I wouldn't have to corner him and accuse him of betraying me. I will never trust him I guess. It's a never-ending battle ending with us always getting in arguments. I could care less where I end up. I could lay in a gutter for all that I give a shit but I don't think I've ever been comfortable constantly hurting someone. If I walk now, I walk into that same dark path Ive walked before. I'm not afraid. I just know what's coming. I don't want to be rescued, I don't want to be talked to. I just want to cease to live a normal life. I'm young but what does it matter anyways. You don't have to  technically be dead to be dead. And that's about all I have to say. I cut ties with whatever friends I have in order to fix things. I don't want to give a shit about anyone. I don't want to feel the need to put anyone before me. Bobby, I love you and fuck if I didn't really try to put my whole life into this and I still feel like my place is nowhere. I'm just renting this place. Dreaming is pretty much all I've been doing and it's maybe time to wake up and realize that nobody will ever take me for the bag of shit I am. Hang on to whatever little pride you have left and try to no muck everyone's lives up. Move away. Just give up. Why did I ever think that moving from Houston was going to be better? It's all the same shit anyways. Just fucking fuck off and die. Finally do something worthy of accomplishing.

Cat Came Back

Flucky came back after almost two months of being gone. Poor thing. He meowed outside the door and let Bobby get close to him and afterwards we gave him some food and he warmed up to us. We sat out with him for a while and came inside and left the door open and he walked in and sniffed around. We decided to let him stay in. But I put the Advantage medicine on both the cats. When I was outside with him, he layed on my lap and I felt so bad holding his little skinny body on me. I felt like I'd done this to him. If I hadn't decided to make him an outside cat, he'd still be inside all chubs. But it's good that he's back. Makes me feel like I can take care of him better now. :) Gives me a reason to keep going. In a really cheesy way, he kinda took me out of this whole pre-midlife-crisis funk. Now I feel I have the surge I need to get moving and finally get some money rolling in so I can take care of him. Cat's... you can't live with them and then you can't cope without them. :)

Death Always Wins

I woke up late again. Slept 10 hours. The feeling of wasting a majority of my day recharging my mind and body is like owning a phone that uses equal amounts of charge to equal amounts of use. Why can we not fully charge within two hours? Anyhow. I told Bobby to give me till the end of this week before I applied for work and I haven't even finished the paintings I wanted. It'll be fine I guess. Just need those stupid paintbrushes and I need to start applying. Though, I'm hesitant because my worst fear is getting a call Friday and seeing if I can make it there Saturday or Sunday for an interview when I'm trying to get things ready for this holiday weekend. The house is a mess, my neck hurts, I need to clean and also get back on my diet and exercise. The other day we watched a new television show called Dead Like Me. Kinda made me think of the shitty ways I may end up dying. And part of me thinks that I might end up dying by my own hand. Not anytime soon of course, nor am I sad or depressed but I think for as much as I complain about me being sick and possibly risking getting cancer... the odds are I'll end up going crazy and just off myself. Quietly and gently, happily. I feel afraid sometimes just letting something else take my life. I'd rather do it myself. And if I didn't get that chance, then at least I'd be able to connect with my dad and understand what he went through. Death is a funny thing. It's like a thief taking you in the middle of the night when you're most involved in important matters. Death is a transition, a very sad one. And when that day comes, If I am aware of it, I should remember to not be afraid and let death work its course. In the meanwhile, I'll let this life embrace me and also drive me crazy and I hope that I can at least get my paintings done.

The Idiocy

Bobby always asks me why I fight religion so hard... Why I really go out of my way to disprove their ways. As much as I hold back and try to accept people for what they believe, the more it pisses me off because their beliefs come so heavily set in the ways of their stupid holy book.

Are babies born with sin?
According to the bible, Yes. The bible does indeed say that man is born in sin because of Adam's doing. "Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned "(Rom. 5:12)

So when some stupid woman comes around and makes up her own ideas of what God is, is she not picking and choosing from what the actual holy book says? To assume that "God is great and loving and everything he does is right." and "Babies don't go to hell." ...She is making her own view of God, which last I read was considered Blasphemy.

I don't know what pisses me off more: The ignorance of them eating up this "God is great!" bullshit or the idea that they KNOW exactly how their God thinks and works. I do know that if I were a Christian, I'd follow my holy book like it was a programming manual. Very exactly and straight forward, leaving no room for interpretation.

What I get really fucked up the ass about is how nobody stops to think that maybe babies don't sin because SIN doesn't exist!! To anyone who truly believes that a beautiful, delicate, little body breathing it's first breaths of life... is being immersed in sin... I politely tell you fuck you. This is why I fight religion. Because a parent who truly believes this will indoctrinate their children into thinking that they are bad children from day 0. Just like me, afraid to question Christ because I'd spend an eternity in hell.

FUCK RELIGION!

*Sigh*

Where can I begin? I blew up today on Bobby and for a few seconds, I saw my desperation spewing out of me like I'd bottled it up for quite a long time. I honestly felt like I was fixing to explode. Like the world could just take me away. I'm really fucking tired of this pressure building up around me. Don't know where the hell it's coming from but it feels like it's all around me, suffocating me. Is this fucking dark energy? The job situation, my diet, my health, my atheism upsetting my family, my constant wanting to feel purpose in life, my wanting to make Bobby proud. I don't even know if he is. I just know it all goes away after I hug him and his arms fit perfectly around me and it feels like he makes all the bad go away. I really don't know what is going to happen but the tough times are still ahead of me. I am quite sure of it. I'm trying to get myself organized and trying to set some goals. Slowly and steady so I don't overwhelm myself. Tonight, I told him to get off my back. Sounds 'asshole' of me. The way I looked when I said it... the devil flew out of me through my panicky breaths and exerted words and my yelling made my throat tremble. I'm a monster in this body. Why do I let things control me like that? Why do I let myself get consumed by difficult matters?

Another thing that pisses me off. Why can't people just act like themselves? I look onto my friends as people I can relate to and I see the smug-covered, shit-turd assholes they are. So full of shit. Just be yourself dammit. Nobody gives a shit how bad-ass you can mIzSpeLL sHit!

On another cooler note... I talked to Lindy today and it made my morning. I got to tell her Happy Birthday. Was pretty cool to talk to her again.

On another stickier note, Maria made it on to Bobby's Facebook friends. I shouldn't care, but I do... just a tad. Maybe I just don't trust her. He knows I don't fucking like her for several reasons and he still adds her. Well, so be it. I'm done trying to control what he does. But I swear I will raise hell if I find her posting provocative shit on his wall or if I find him 'liking' all her typical tits-hanging-out pictures. I'm in too much a delicate state right now to put up with this type of shit. He said something to the effect that he'd never sleep with her because she's had an abortion. He just doesn't find that attractive in a woman. I'm sorry. But it's just not a good enough excuse. I need something to the line of... I'm just not interested in her that way. Just fuck it. He said he still doesn't feel comfortable with Rudy around. Whatever... have your cake and eat it too.

Zombiewalk 2010

...was Killer!

Cutting back on Atheism

I had a long discussion with Bobby about different aspects of religion and his/my opinion on why we think that way. Then when we are done talking, it leaves me asking why we event got into that conversation to begin with. We agreed to leave the topic out of discussion from now on. A part of me feels quite disappointed that I can't have someone to share my beliefs with. But a part of me equally feels that he should stick to his beliefs without me interfering. It pains me to know that we won't ever talk about it again... and furthermore the notion that deep down inside - he will most likely feel ashamed of me for being the way I am, even if he says he is not. He stands there, biting his lip and shrugs it is usually a 'Well, I don't care anymore'. I know that he cares, he just wants to be tolerant. It just makes me wonder how this will affect all our future outings. It leaves me feeling quite empty and alone. Maybe I shouldn't feel that way but sitting alone on my computer - reading up on all the great sciences makes me feel alone and pathetic. If I just had a few more close friends to do things with. Or if I could just put Atheism out of mind for a while. Maybe things will get better. Maybe I won't feel so alone.

War On Myself

I find it rather amusing at how simple it is for my subconscious mind to turn against itself. I've been doing pretty well when it comes to trusting Bobby and then today I had this dream about Bobby hiding some naked girls' pictures from me. As if I hadn't enough worrying going on to begin with. Now my mind plants a fucking ticking time bomb in my head and I naturally feel like I want to rip everything open to find something that is being hidden from me. I didn't, but I have the strong inclination to do so. Despite all the things I said I would never allow myself, I feel like my mind is at war with myself. Perhaps, deep down it feels that I should not believe what I am told. Maybe it's my skeptic side. I don't know. And maybe I dream this stuff because I still don't have the balls to admit to him that I really don't believe him. How sad. How can I manage to be in a relationship if I feel someone is fucking me over constantly. Myself! I am fucking me over because it will no doubt ruin my relationship. I have to admit that in my dream, it felt like the worse blow to the chest. I woke up infuriated and feeling like my heart had swollen to a ton. Paranoia can be a sick thing. I don't allow other things to consume me and yet this suspicion is driving me into a frenzy and I can't seem to shake it off. How does one manage life like this?

My New Fatty Liver Diet

I had to sit down and google some pictures of my condition so that I can light a fire under my ass and get in shape. I wish I could just stay fat and the way I am. It's misleading. Whoever said that being fat was normal. It is.. but it's not. The amount of damage in your body could fuck you up without you knowing. This all stems back to my hospital visit last February or March of 2010. Who would've thought I'd end up with a Fatty Liver?? I'm a little thick but not so thick that I even felt the weight I was carrying was normal. It's my PCOS that is causing it. I just know it. But regardless. I worked out this morning but I really want to keep this lifestyle so I don't have to worry about my health. I already feel so sick that I am scared for my life. Yes, I really don't want to die yet. I have lots of shit to get done and a sweet ass man that I just made up with. Life is good and I should really try to kick my own ass to get things done. Here's the plan. Really... come'on Lorie! Just do it. You can do it!

EASY:
Drink plenty water or brewed tea with a little sugar for variety.
Eat foods high in fiber, low in calories and fat

MEDIUM:
Cut sodas, fast food, excessive sweets and food high in fat.

Lose weight slowly. (It's a bad idea to lose weight rapidly. It does damage to your liver.)

KINDA FUCKING HARD:
Work out a few times a week. This can start out easy but my willpower is shit. So man woman up!
No more alcohol. Fuck.
No more smoking. Fuckity Fuck!

In the end, all I need to kick me back into regimen is a hard look at what my liver could end up looking like. No doubt my dad's probably looked like this when he passed and I'm sure if he was still alive, he would help me to avoid the same suffering he went through. :(

Back At Home

I realize I need to explain why I'm back at home again. I thought you left town to find yourself??? Well, I'll leave this as a reminder for when I have more time to explain the situation. :)