Death Always Wins

I woke up late again. Slept 10 hours. The feeling of wasting a majority of my day recharging my mind and body is like owning a phone that uses equal amounts of charge to equal amounts of use. Why can we not fully charge within two hours? Anyhow. I told Bobby to give me till the end of this week before I applied for work and I haven't even finished the paintings I wanted. It'll be fine I guess. Just need those stupid paintbrushes and I need to start applying. Though, I'm hesitant because my worst fear is getting a call Friday and seeing if I can make it there Saturday or Sunday for an interview when I'm trying to get things ready for this holiday weekend. The house is a mess, my neck hurts, I need to clean and also get back on my diet and exercise. The other day we watched a new television show called Dead Like Me. Kinda made me think of the shitty ways I may end up dying. And part of me thinks that I might end up dying by my own hand. Not anytime soon of course, nor am I sad or depressed but I think for as much as I complain about me being sick and possibly risking getting cancer... the odds are I'll end up going crazy and just off myself. Quietly and gently, happily. I feel afraid sometimes just letting something else take my life. I'd rather do it myself. And if I didn't get that chance, then at least I'd be able to connect with my dad and understand what he went through. Death is a funny thing. It's like a thief taking you in the middle of the night when you're most involved in important matters. Death is a transition, a very sad one. And when that day comes, If I am aware of it, I should remember to not be afraid and let death work its course. In the meanwhile, I'll let this life embrace me and also drive me crazy and I hope that I can at least get my paintings done.