*Sigh*

Where can I begin? I blew up today on Bobby and for a few seconds, I saw my desperation spewing out of me like I'd bottled it up for quite a long time. I honestly felt like I was fixing to explode. Like the world could just take me away. I'm really fucking tired of this pressure building up around me. Don't know where the hell it's coming from but it feels like it's all around me, suffocating me. Is this fucking dark energy? The job situation, my diet, my health, my atheism upsetting my family, my constant wanting to feel purpose in life, my wanting to make Bobby proud. I don't even know if he is. I just know it all goes away after I hug him and his arms fit perfectly around me and it feels like he makes all the bad go away. I really don't know what is going to happen but the tough times are still ahead of me. I am quite sure of it. I'm trying to get myself organized and trying to set some goals. Slowly and steady so I don't overwhelm myself. Tonight, I told him to get off my back. Sounds 'asshole' of me. The way I looked when I said it... the devil flew out of me through my panicky breaths and exerted words and my yelling made my throat tremble. I'm a monster in this body. Why do I let things control me like that? Why do I let myself get consumed by difficult matters?

Another thing that pisses me off. Why can't people just act like themselves? I look onto my friends as people I can relate to and I see the smug-covered, shit-turd assholes they are. So full of shit. Just be yourself dammit. Nobody gives a shit how bad-ass you can mIzSpeLL sHit!

On another cooler note... I talked to Lindy today and it made my morning. I got to tell her Happy Birthday. Was pretty cool to talk to her again.

On another stickier note, Maria made it on to Bobby's Facebook friends. I shouldn't care, but I do... just a tad. Maybe I just don't trust her. He knows I don't fucking like her for several reasons and he still adds her. Well, so be it. I'm done trying to control what he does. But I swear I will raise hell if I find her posting provocative shit on his wall or if I find him 'liking' all her typical tits-hanging-out pictures. I'm in too much a delicate state right now to put up with this type of shit. He said something to the effect that he'd never sleep with her because she's had an abortion. He just doesn't find that attractive in a woman. I'm sorry. But it's just not a good enough excuse. I need something to the line of... I'm just not interested in her that way. Just fuck it. He said he still doesn't feel comfortable with Rudy around. Whatever... have your cake and eat it too.