War On Myself

I find it rather amusing at how simple it is for my subconscious mind to turn against itself. I've been doing pretty well when it comes to trusting Bobby and then today I had this dream about Bobby hiding some naked girls' pictures from me. As if I hadn't enough worrying going on to begin with. Now my mind plants a fucking ticking time bomb in my head and I naturally feel like I want to rip everything open to find something that is being hidden from me. I didn't, but I have the strong inclination to do so. Despite all the things I said I would never allow myself, I feel like my mind is at war with myself. Perhaps, deep down it feels that I should not believe what I am told. Maybe it's my skeptic side. I don't know. And maybe I dream this stuff because I still don't have the balls to admit to him that I really don't believe him. How sad. How can I manage to be in a relationship if I feel someone is fucking me over constantly. Myself! I am fucking me over because it will no doubt ruin my relationship. I have to admit that in my dream, it felt like the worse blow to the chest. I woke up infuriated and feeling like my heart had swollen to a ton. Paranoia can be a sick thing. I don't allow other things to consume me and yet this suspicion is driving me into a frenzy and I can't seem to shake it off. How does one manage life like this?