Time To Dissolve

I've been wanting to blog for the past few days but got caught up either around company or at work. To my delight, I am back at CVS. Quite happy of it. They were glad to see me too and the money will help to get the ball rolling. I have been lost again. Displaced. Don't know where this emotion comes from all of a sudden. I feel bored, lethargic. My stomach has been giving me some trouble. I'm still trying to avoid fast food but it feels as though my stomach gets bigger by the day. Part of me wants to go there, we know where. But then I have to remind myself at how idiotic I've felt the past few times when all my tests were negative and I just felt like the shit bag of the planet. It makes me not want to have sex without a condom on. I've been feeling weird jerky movements, spazy and also I just don't want food sometimes. Worms maybe? Bah. Well. I was off for a few days and then I said I'd finish those crochet items and list them but 1. There is no money 2. Today is Bobby's birthday 3. We did absolutely nothing 4. I gotta shower and go to bed, I have work in the morning. I feel like I wasted an entire day crocheting crap and I could've done something with my day. So, in effect tomorrow and through the weekend, I'm putting up the yarn and I'm going to start reading some of my ebooks or novels on the shelf. I've been meaning to catch up on Sagan, Dawkins, Hitchens and Hawking. Heck, maybe I'll even read the drivers manual. Which reminds me by the way. I said I was going to try to save up money since I'm working again and start saving up for a car. There is a lot of shit I want to buy but I'm not going to go crazy. I must have self-control. I need a car. I need to see a doctor. I need to pay my school loans and we need curtains for our house a PS3. Remind me tomorrow that things get better. Play some Mondo Cane when you get home. Take a bath and just relax.

Next, next Thursday I'll be a few hundred richer. Sounds good to me.

I want to go back to the more innocent times. The times where I didn't have to worry about where I'd end up in a few years. The times where worrying about relationships was more about finding true love and less about keeping it true. I fucking hate being awake this late. I should be in bed, but I hate that room. It is so dark, and so  cold. It brings me nothing but ugly shit to think about. I woke up earlier because I had a dream a man walked into our bedroom with a bat waiting to bash our heads in while we slept. I know how things get me paranoid but in times where I'm extremely paranoid and stressed over relationship problems, I try and turn to friends and either they don't have the time or they don't know what to tell me. It doesn't matter whether we have friends. All one really cares about is having someone listen to them. The moment I try to do the talking, it's a very complicated matter. I'm extremely upset. Frantic over stupid little things. Making a big deal out of small insignificant things. I am indeed overreacting. It was confirmed. I am a confused 28 year old body rotting from within like a promising fruit carrying a worm inside. I just want my place in the world. If I can't have it, I will fucking leave!!! Everytime I play a great song, all I want is to be held. I don't want riches, I don't want nice things... I just want someone to love me equally.

My Little Menu

Lately, my waist is expanding, my tits seem to be larger...and hang full and heavy and I need to tone up my arms and well, really every part of my body. It seems so silly to jump back onto the health bandwagon but I should try and try to not fail. I have the time, just not the effort. So, instead of constantly taking things away from myself, I've done a bit of reverse psychology on my ass and instead devised a plan on things I like to eat (modified to be healthy) and put them on a menu labeled Things I CAN Eat. Pretty clever. Looks like it'll be fun choosing something to make. No strict, hard-core restrictions. Just foods I can tolerate that are as natural and raw as they come. Tomorrow I will print out the exercise schedule and I thought today that perhaps the reason I don't workout is I'm very lazy. What I needed to do all along was limit the things I enjoy until after my exercise is done. Once I conquer the first two weeks, routine will take it's course. Good luck to myself. After all, the only one with anything to gain or lose from this is yourself. No more complaints. Also, no eating after 7pm. Drink plenty water. Cut your smoking. One to two beers max on social events. Not too bad.

Ass, Not Class

I was looking up all my phone pics to post on facebook in their own album. Then I ran into these great photos I took of my ass when we were staying at my mom's house. Geez, Louise. I remember getting so pissed that moment because I couldn't find the perfect angle to take and I thought it would be pointless because Bobby would see it and be like "cool babe." or something to that nature and I'd be pissed because I tried so hard. Looking back though... and I literally mean "back".... I have a nice sweet little ass. I really ought to try to work out to get it in shape again. I could say that maybe it's to hold on to my youth, but I still look pretty young for my age anyways. I guess I just want to be proud of my proudest, protruding feature. I may have small or average tits but my backside always steals the show. I think I should be quite proud. I should frame my ass and look at it daily and cross my arms and ponder on how comfortable it's made me feel in life. Sitting all those times. Well, here's to a less thoughtful blog post:

Heart of Gold

Bobby is a mysterious man. He can be quite stern but when it comes to helping people when they are in need, Bobby has a huge heart. Earlier today he came stumbling into the room nervous and all I can think of was "Hopefully he didn't kill someone..." because it seemed that was the face he was wearing. He was pretty frightened and it was because he was trying to help a drunk hispanic woman off the bayou bridge by our house. He said that she seemed to almost fall into traffic and how we was trying to help her but couldn't understand her. She started freaking out when he told her he'd called the cops to see if she was okay. Along came a black man and was asking the lady questions and asked to give her a ride. She had agreed to it. Bobby wrote the guys plates down and told the police. I know there comes a time where one cannot feel responsible about the outcome of things like that. I'm just glad that he showed interest in helping the woman. I know that deep inside he may have felt that he could've done something different but we all need to remind ourselves that things are out of our hands. The most we can do it atleast attempt to help. I feel this great surge of admiration for my love. I feel sad to seem him worry but in my heart, I feel good that he did what he did. He's my hero and I can't stop thinking about how insanely lucky I am to have a good person like that in my life. My man. :) *sigh* He's my man. :) My man. :)

Idiot

I go back and read what I posted and I can't even place myself in that same mode of thinking. How is that possible? To describe exactly what you feel when you are torn about something, desperate, angry and hopeless and then after the storm has passed... it seems that you can't even relate to your old self. That's some schitzo shit right there! It doesn't surprise me though. I know I have a ticking time bomb in me but it just kinda fades after I feed it loads of sunshine, smiles and hugs. I am slipping again as usual and I have to remind myself that it's okay to lose track as long as you're always willing to get back on it. This goes for anything... what I am talking about right now is my diet. I could though, maybe say it was about my relationship but I think my babe's right when he says that maybe there are a certain number of times you can get off the track until you are no longer allowed back on. Well, okay... the diet. I need to change it. Finally though, I got myself calmed down with the whole midlife crisis shit and told myself I have to start acting like a 28-29 year old adult. One that works and has a car and doesn't worry about crocheting and stupid irrelevant shit. So, get back on the wagon you dumb dope!

Also, Celina called me yesterday to tell me she's having a boy. Fuck. I know she means good but it seems someone's good news will always remind me of how much I hate myself. I also have to remind myself that right now is not a good time to think about children with me still acting like a child and all. God bless you, Sagan bless you, Quantum bless you, all you little people of the world. I am just beginning to appreciate the art of letting things be and just trying to get by on whatever I can.