Idiot

I go back and read what I posted and I can't even place myself in that same mode of thinking. How is that possible? To describe exactly what you feel when you are torn about something, desperate, angry and hopeless and then after the storm has passed... it seems that you can't even relate to your old self. That's some schitzo shit right there! It doesn't surprise me though. I know I have a ticking time bomb in me but it just kinda fades after I feed it loads of sunshine, smiles and hugs. I am slipping again as usual and I have to remind myself that it's okay to lose track as long as you're always willing to get back on it. This goes for anything... what I am talking about right now is my diet. I could though, maybe say it was about my relationship but I think my babe's right when he says that maybe there are a certain number of times you can get off the track until you are no longer allowed back on. Well, okay... the diet. I need to change it. Finally though, I got myself calmed down with the whole midlife crisis shit and told myself I have to start acting like a 28-29 year old adult. One that works and has a car and doesn't worry about crocheting and stupid irrelevant shit. So, get back on the wagon you dumb dope!

Also, Celina called me yesterday to tell me she's having a boy. Fuck. I know she means good but it seems someone's good news will always remind me of how much I hate myself. I also have to remind myself that right now is not a good time to think about children with me still acting like a child and all. God bless you, Sagan bless you, Quantum bless you, all you little people of the world. I am just beginning to appreciate the art of letting things be and just trying to get by on whatever I can.